Here's the essay! thanks for revising!
Matt Rybak
Mrs. Basko
Meet the Modern Frank Sinatra
9/22/10
“Be careful what you wish for, because it just might come true.”
Every weekend throughout the summer, my friends and I went to Central Park to play Frisbee. It was the only way that we could see each other without fail in our busy lives of college visits, jobs, and of course parents. I would always make sure that when I received my schedules for the week, Saturday at 2pm was free. Being a huge Taylor Swift fan I knew that she was in town for a string of concerts. Somehow, on my Saturday, one of the greatest events that has ever happened to me, started to occur.
I woke up Saturday morning feeling great because of my Frisbee game that was to happen at 2pm. Until then my day was normal and boring so I decided to ride my bike through the city streets to Central Park to kill some time. I chain my bike up and sit down on a bench to wait for my friends when suddenly, I hear very familiar music. I look up and across the park, Taylor Swift is setting up microphones and amps for a surprise charity concert in the park! At first I didn’t believe my eyes but after rubbing my eyes and pinching myself until my skin turned red I realized that she was real. I ran over as fast as I could but slowed down before she saw me because I didn’t want to be just another crazy fan. As I walked up to her I could tell that T.V and magazine didn’t do her any justice. Her golden blond hair reminded me of the endless wheat fields surrounding my grandmother’s house and her eyes were as beautiful and blue as the Caribbean Sea . Her faced was something sent from heaven and her cheeks were as full of color as the sunset. She was wearing a dress that seemed to compliment her features in every way but I figure that she would’ve looked just as amazing in pajamas. During my trance I only heard one thing; a voice saying “Hey, are you OK?”
As I heard the voice I realized that I had been staring for who knows how long and that Taylor
“What’s your name?” Taylor
“Matt…. Matt Rybak” I responded in a slightly shaky voice. I was still in a state of disbelief.
“Well Matt, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Taylor Swift.”
“Yea I know. You look better in person than you do on T.V” I doubt that I could get any dorkier.
“Well thank you!” she responded and giggled. “Are you going to stay for the concert?”
“Of course! I wouldn’t miss it for anything! But I have some questions to ask you. Is that alright?”
“Yea I think I have some time before I have to start to get ready, go ahead.”
“Awesome! So what is your favorite sport?”
“Well, truthfully I never really played any sports in high school because I could never do any good in them but I love to watch them, especially football.”
“Wow I never would have guessed that! Alright what do you do during your spare time?”
“Well mostly I just experiment with my guitar and music. But I also love to spend time with my family and I give to charity a lot.”
“I should’ve assumed that! You definitely seem like that kind of person. Alright last question”
“Yea”
“Will you go out with me?”
“What? Oh no. I can’t do that! You’re just a fan! I could never do that.”
“Oh ok…. Well I’m sorry for taking away some of your time.” I was crushed. I couldn’t even stay for the concert that I was looking forward to so much. I just went home and even missed my Frisbee game. When I arrived home, I didn’t do anything; I just went to my room and sat there. My mom told me last year that depression has run in the family and that around the stressful teenage time; it starts to really show its face. I used to think that I wouldn’t have it but I started to feel it the moment Taylor
Hi Matt,
ReplyDeleteNice job so far. Just a few notes about your reflections. You need to dig a bit deeper and analyze each of your works. Be sure to say here what you like about the Taylor Swift paper. Be specific about what made the paper easy to write. List some of the lines and phrases that you are especially proud of to help prove your points to the reader.
You probably need more than a paragraph of reflection to introduce each piece. Clara did a particularly nice job reflecting on her seven deadly sins paper. Check it out:
http://clarabblog.blogspot.com/2011/01/reflection-on-seven-deadly-sins-paper.html
Here is the feedback you asked for:
1. The first point of the paper that I would like revised is the conclusion. The paper has almost a blunt end and I feel that it leaves the reader hanging.
Before I get to the conclusion, I think that the better introduction for your paper might be the second paragraph. I don't think you need all that background junk. Get to the point :) Get into the story. The second paragraph hooks me in more. I might consider starting there.
The other place you might begin is with, "I couldn't believe my eyes..." and then you describe her physically and she talks to you. This is even better.
The rest can come out throughout the dialogue or some narration to break up all that dialogue.
It does end abruptly and I think part of what makes it abrupt is that you don't stay for the concert. I like you ending with the quote and I know we talked about the story taking a twist but I think your last question was twist enough! I actually lauged out loud when I read it. The other quesitons were so boring and you were so nervous that I can't believe that you ask her that. It was great. You might revisit the ending at this point. What if she doesn't answer you? Or you mess around wiht some vague sort of ending? I'm not sure but you have lots of options. Now that we have studied conclusions, what do you think?
2. The second piece of the paper that I would like revised is the dialogue. I would like it know if it is good dialogue and if it gets the point across about how much I like Taylor Swift and it shows how excited I am.
Yes, you do get the point through to the reader. Your description of her alone is enough to know what a huge fan you are and it certainly sets the tone for quesiton number three in your interview! LOL
The dialogue is great. I think that you might consider taking it in a different direction later though after question three. I'm not sure how but think about it.
3. The last piece that I would like revised is if I need more background or words. I have a lot of dialogue and I don't know if its too much or if it overwhelms the essay.
No more background. I actually thought you could cut out the early background stuff about you and your buddies and frisbee.
It is okay to have dialogue. Remember this is a narrative and not an essay so it is okay. Some stories are mostly driven by dialogue. It is sometimes more engaging to read. I think you can work on describing her as she talks to you and some of the observations you make about how beautiful and fun-loving she is and how nervous you are though.
I hope this helps. I can't wait to see the revised version.
Ms. Basko
Hi Again Matt,
ReplyDeleteWithout responding to each of your reflections individually, consider working on the following before your final submission. I'm particularly interested in you working on your reflections. The reflection is a major part of the grade and right now yours are underdeveloped. Each reflection should be several paragraphs.
1. Add quotes from your drafts to prove your points.
2. Be sure to dig deeper in each of your reflections and be sure to introduce what you are talking about and why you did what you did in each of the revisions. Again, cite your drafts and lines you like and dislike to prove your points.
Clara does a nice job introducing and reflecting on her seven deadly sins paper, read this to see what I'm talking about. But again, quote your own drafts as proof:
http://clarabblog.blogspot.com/2011/01/reflection-on-seven-deadly-sins-paper.html
3. Work on your titles of papers and of your posts.
4. Check your spelling one last time :)
Ms. Basko