Revision of 7 Deadly Sins Paper Post 2

After taking a look at what I believed that I needed to revise, I went to work. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to do much because I had no idea how to fix my transitions. But I made a few small grammatical changes along with some spelling errors. The biggest change to my paper I made however, was my conclusion. I added another sentence to it that wrapped up what I was trying to say and it gives the reader a good way to stop reading the paper and doesn't keep them hanging.

Matt Rybak

7 Deadly Sins

            The day was August 21, 2005, and my friends and I decided that we would go to the mall for a great day and some window shopping. We went to the Auburn County Mall at around three o’clock but little did we know, we would all experience the seven deadly sins first hand on that fateful day.

            As soon as we walk in, Bubba turns to me and says “Matt, can we eat? I am so hungry! I only ate lunch at eleven and I’m dying right now!” Bubba was a very husky twelve year old with short black hair covered by a Mets baseball hat. His problem wasn’t a small metabolism; it was the fact that this boy would not stop eating! He was always hungry and continuously begging me to get something to eat and after the many adventures we have been through together, I just can’t say no.

            As a twist of fate, Burger King happened to be right next to us and I know that it was Bubba’s favorite. He loved the whopper with all of its delicious greasiness along with the salty and plump fries. We used to go to Burger King so often that I can even remember his favorite combination; a whopper meal with a large fry and a large drink, onion rings, steak fries, and of course, another large fry. Occasionally I would be disgusted by the amount of food bubba’s black hole of a stomach could take in but I would always sit with him as he ate despite that. Today was one of those days that I could not stand Bubba’s eating, so I left him to his meal and continued on with the rest of our group.

            As we continue to walk along throughout the mall, all of the sudden, I hear a high pitched squeal. By little brother Jim was stopped dead in his tracks, staring across the hallway. My friends and I called him Little Jimmy because he looked like a small version of me. Across the hall, was a window filled with all of the colors of the rainbow and more! In big lettering above the window was “CANDY STORE” written in gargantuan letters so that none of the shoppers walking past could miss it. Little Jimmy ends his squeal and starts to beg, “Matt? Can I please have a few dollars for some candy? Pretty please?”

            “No way bud, I’ll give you a dollar for a pack of gum or a chocolate bar but that’s it!”

            “Awwww Matt please? I won’t be able to get my tootsie rolls or my pixie sticks!” he groans.

            “Ok fine, you can have three dollars.” I gave in.

            “But Matt!”

            “Fine Jimmy! Here’s a five!” I reply very frustrated.

            “Thanks Matt! You’re the best!” he yells back as he runs into the candy store.

            Now with two members of our group gone, we didn’t have very many left, but we continued with our adventure around the mall. As we walked for about five minutes we passed “GETTIN BIG GYM”, the most prestigious and intense gym around. As I look back, the strongest member of our group, Bruce, is stopped dead in front of the gym. Bruce’s arms are as big as my head and in sixth grade he was five foot nine inches. Bruce wasn’t the brightest bulb on the tree and he didn’t talk. Occasionally when he did make a noise, it wouldn’t be a word, but a grunt. Bruce hobbled into the gym and beckoned us to join him as he laid down on the bench press. The bar had as many weights as it could possibly hold and the steel bar was literally bending from the immense weight. Bruce took a deep breath and started to bench press the bar! I thought it could weigh no less than a ton and Bruce could do it easily! For the next ten minutes Bruce would bring us over to different machines and he would demonstrate how to use them while using the maximum weight. What made me mad though was the fact that he expected that we could do the same and he seemed surprised when we couldn’t do anything. He just laughed and continued to lift enormous weights. As he was on his 35^th pull up, the remaining members of our group snuck out of the gym to continue on our excursion.

            As we continued to walk with our diminishing group, we heard a faint beat that grew louder and louder as we moved forward. Soon, we found the source of the beat, Victoria’s Secret. Music was playing inside and beautiful women were plastered among the walls so all could see. Ronny, the most imaginative in our group, couldn’t take his eyes off of the women in the windows. Just as I was about to grab him to force him along, a flawless woman strutted into the store and Ronny ran after her like a cat chasing yarn. None of us even dared to follow him, so he considered him a lost cause I didn’t even try to save him form his lust.

            Henry was the man who brought us to the mall. He had a huge mini van that some could consider a bus and he was intertwined with all of our families so he could easily be trusted. As we continued to walk, Henry began to speak for the first time that day, “Hold up for a second guys, I have to run an errand.”

            Henry began to walk increasingly briskly to the store adjacent to us as he pulled out his wallet. I finally realized what his errand actually was; he was buying a lotto ticket from the drugstore next to us with very high hopes of winning. I had some pity for him as he bought his lotto card. He scratched off the card with a spare penny and to only his surprise he didn’t win. Little did he realize was that as he was scratching off his card, another man walked past him to the same machine and bought a card. The man copies Henry exactly as he walks a couple of feet, pulls out a penny, and starts to scratch off the card. This man’s reaction however, was one completely different to Henry’s. This man began to jump for joy and yell! He began to yell “I won! I won! I actually won!”

            The man then proceeded to tell the crowd that was slowly forming around him that he had just won the jackpot which happened to be sixteen million dollars. Henry just stared in awe at the man and once he finally moved, he walked very solemnly to the closest wall and slid down in an obvious state of depression. I asked him what was wrong and he explained to me how mad he was at himself and at the man for not waiting and buying the ticket. I was surprised to see how envious Henry was at this complete stranger but I decided not to try to comfort him and leave him to his sulking as I walked away.

            With so many friends lost from our group there were only three of us left as we headed into Bed Bath and Beyond to walk around and see how soft some of the pillows were. Bob, I noticed was spending a particularly long time rubbing his face against the pillow and sitting on the beds. As I beckoned him to continue on, he came up to me and said “Matt, I am so tired! I only got ten hours of sleep last night and I can’t stand it!”

            “Ten hours of sleep? That is more sleep than I get in two days sometimes!” I exclaimed. “You know what Bob? Just go and lay on one of the beds, and get some of your obviously much needed sleep.”

            Within seconds, Bob was on one of the nearby beds asleep. It made me rather mad that he could just ditch us just because he is so lazy but, I left him alone and continued on my journey with the last remaining member of our once enormous group. The last remaining member of my group was a girl named Katie. It was just me and her but since we were great friends it wasn’t very weird and I had grown out of my cootie phobia. We had ventured around the entire mall by then and I realized that we had missed lunch! So I asked her if she wanted to go to Friendly’s for something to eat! With a lack of better things to do she agreed and we headed in. For some reason, the ever so popular restaurant was not very busy and we were seated very quickly. Our waitress came up and asked, “Hello, my name is Jenny and I’ll be serving you today. Can I start you two out with some drinks?”

            “Sure!” I responded for the both of us. “I’ll have lemonade and she will have a coke.”

            We talked while we waited for our beverages and when they came, Katie was given her coke but I received an apple juice. I didn’t bother to say anything because I am a fan of apple juice but our waitress was starting to get on my nerves. When our waitress came back to take our orders I ordered some chicken nuggets and Katie ordered a chicken salad. When our waitress came back, she put two salads down on the table. That’s when I exploded! I started to yell at the waitress and I got up and left! I was so furious I literally started to walk home.

            That day in the mall was one filled with emotions both good and bad. Some were hurt emotionally, some were happy, but all together, everyone was punished for committing each of the seven deadly sins. This day just goes to prove, no matter who you are, big or small, strong or weak, you cannot be perfect and most likely, you have committed one of the seven deadly sins.